Farewell, Montana -- it's been nice gettin to know ya...

Bauer Ranch Crew

Well, well, well... I know my new favorite state in this beautiful country -- MONTANA! (I used all caps and the exclamation point for effect). Montana is a big state with a so called big sky. Montana has ranches, cattle, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, trucks with guns, stuffed animals fearing guns, stuffed cowboys holding guns fearing animals, hippies with guns, farmers with guns, cooks with guns (preparing the stuffed animals fearing guns), cyclists, mountains, streams, rivers, trees, lakes, and wide open roads. It stays light very late at night and gets up very early in the morning. In July, Montana seduces the mind; August she beguiles the body. However, I hear that September through June she can be a cold hard bitch -- one who welcomes cold, snow and darkness to the unrelenting vistas that envelop the senses.

Speaking of drugs:

I believe Montana is where we encountered our new favorite slogan, "Meth: Not Even Once!"

I think it has something to do with cataracts in jungle animals, but I'm not positive.

After getting a well deserved night of sleep at Gwen's eclectic house of elastic-elaborate-endorphin-excellence, The Congress headed to Bauer Ranch to take part in a intensive training session with agent Jack Bauer (aka: Ryan Chrys)

Ryan Chrys as I know him in Denver:


Ryan Chrys as I got to know him in Montana:


Ryan, I've learned, is an enigma. You see, I've come across Ryan and his band Demon Funkies multiple times in and around Denver. I've shared stages with him and consumed beers with him. I've even seen him walk outside a venue, cross 16th street mall, jump atop a 5ft column and furiously shred guitar in time, whilst head banging and summoning the gods IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. I used to think Ryan was a badass -- until The Congress was invited to his ranch in Montana.

Damn

I've spoken to Ryan on the phone a few times on occasion and found him to be a man of few words. Perhaps it was chemical induced? Perhaps it was the fact I auditioned for his band and failed miserably? Perhaps dude just don't like me? Nahhh. He's the real deal Marlboro man, folks (although I don't think he smokes). Apparently, he is equally at home using trampolines to launch himself into the air on stage as he is saddling and mounting a horse -- or jumping on a motorcycle -- or changing a tire on farm equipment -- or showing us leftists tree huggers how to shoot guns (just me) -- or cooking us some of the best hamburgers I've ever tasted, where, Amazingly, the burgers were from cows just happened to be grass fed and farm raised; ON HIS FARM! What a freaking treat! That was some serious City Slickers shit. I had a dream that Jack Palance told me the key to life.

METH: Not Even Once!

I could go on and on talking about how awesome our ranch stay in Montana was. Thankfully, I'm going to pass. You see, I'm having a very hard time manufacturing words in the brain and a harder time relaying the message to my fingers. Stupid fingers. Stupid brain. I wish I had a glutinous continental breakfast crowd to make fun of. Sigh...

Photo Essay!

I very much like this picture

The Congress hunting siwey wabbits

Demon Congress????

The Congress's ranch visit came to an end as we had to departed toward Jackson for a very difficult and trying gig at a hot springs resort in rural Montana. I'm not quite sure who could have possibly thought that we needed to book a show at an amazing lodge/hot springs/restaurant but they need to be fired ASAP. What business do 4 musicians have goofing off at a ranch followed by a relaxing stop at Jackson Hot Springs? None. Our life sucks. Believe me you, you want no part of this taxing and fatiguing lifestyle, so just stay away. If you have a question for the author about how to make this work, I'll simply reply: "No Comment" In fact, try not to look me in the eye when your lucky enough to be in my presence. If you happen to do so, I'll have to mount my steed and challenge you to a dual, which I will win. I'm a drummer, I'm used to stabbing people with blunt instruments.

I'll even stab you wearing flip flops!

Unfortunately, Montana was so incredibly awesome that Idaho somewhat failed to live up to in comparison. McCall was cool as shit, and Crusty's pizza is some of the best I've eaten. We met a super swell doood named Chris that let us camp on his property and became the apple of Jonathan's eye. They had a full on bromance the couple of days we were in town.

Welp, It's almost gig time & time for me to mosey downstairs. I'd like to wrap it up more eloquently but I'm partially 'tarted and forcing myself to finish this. We have a morning off tomorrow and a (hopefully) late check out time. Perhaps I can knock out a couple of posts in 24 hours.

Araua'e

Forgive me if my grammar is terrible and there are mispellings (that was intentional), I'm posting this without proof reading. My grammar is awful anyway, so that doesn't really bother me. Mispellings do, somewhat. Unless I'm using the word mispellings, I really like to mispppppelll that one. Mississipppppii....