Farewell, Montana -- it's been nice gettin to know ya...

Bauer Ranch Crew

Well, well, well... I know my new favorite state in this beautiful country -- MONTANA! (I used all caps and the exclamation point for effect). Montana is a big state with a so called big sky. Montana has ranches, cattle, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, trucks with guns, stuffed animals fearing guns, stuffed cowboys holding guns fearing animals, hippies with guns, farmers with guns, cooks with guns (preparing the stuffed animals fearing guns), cyclists, mountains, streams, rivers, trees, lakes, and wide open roads. It stays light very late at night and gets up very early in the morning. In July, Montana seduces the mind; August she beguiles the body. However, I hear that September through June she can be a cold hard bitch -- one who welcomes cold, snow and darkness to the unrelenting vistas that envelop the senses.

Speaking of drugs:

I believe Montana is where we encountered our new favorite slogan, "Meth: Not Even Once!"

I think it has something to do with cataracts in jungle animals, but I'm not positive.

After getting a well deserved night of sleep at Gwen's eclectic house of elastic-elaborate-endorphin-excellence, The Congress headed to Bauer Ranch to take part in a intensive training session with agent Jack Bauer (aka: Ryan Chrys)

Ryan Chrys as I know him in Denver:


Ryan Chrys as I got to know him in Montana:


Ryan, I've learned, is an enigma. You see, I've come across Ryan and his band Demon Funkies multiple times in and around Denver. I've shared stages with him and consumed beers with him. I've even seen him walk outside a venue, cross 16th street mall, jump atop a 5ft column and furiously shred guitar in time, whilst head banging and summoning the gods IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. I used to think Ryan was a badass -- until The Congress was invited to his ranch in Montana.

Damn

I've spoken to Ryan on the phone a few times on occasion and found him to be a man of few words. Perhaps it was chemical induced? Perhaps it was the fact I auditioned for his band and failed miserably? Perhaps dude just don't like me? Nahhh. He's the real deal Marlboro man, folks (although I don't think he smokes). Apparently, he is equally at home using trampolines to launch himself into the air on stage as he is saddling and mounting a horse -- or jumping on a motorcycle -- or changing a tire on farm equipment -- or showing us leftists tree huggers how to shoot guns (just me) -- or cooking us some of the best hamburgers I've ever tasted, where, Amazingly, the burgers were from cows just happened to be grass fed and farm raised; ON HIS FARM! What a freaking treat! That was some serious City Slickers shit. I had a dream that Jack Palance told me the key to life.

METH: Not Even Once!

I could go on and on talking about how awesome our ranch stay in Montana was. Thankfully, I'm going to pass. You see, I'm having a very hard time manufacturing words in the brain and a harder time relaying the message to my fingers. Stupid fingers. Stupid brain. I wish I had a glutinous continental breakfast crowd to make fun of. Sigh...

Photo Essay!

I very much like this picture

The Congress hunting siwey wabbits

Demon Congress????

The Congress's ranch visit came to an end as we had to departed toward Jackson for a very difficult and trying gig at a hot springs resort in rural Montana. I'm not quite sure who could have possibly thought that we needed to book a show at an amazing lodge/hot springs/restaurant but they need to be fired ASAP. What business do 4 musicians have goofing off at a ranch followed by a relaxing stop at Jackson Hot Springs? None. Our life sucks. Believe me you, you want no part of this taxing and fatiguing lifestyle, so just stay away. If you have a question for the author about how to make this work, I'll simply reply: "No Comment" In fact, try not to look me in the eye when your lucky enough to be in my presence. If you happen to do so, I'll have to mount my steed and challenge you to a dual, which I will win. I'm a drummer, I'm used to stabbing people with blunt instruments.

I'll even stab you wearing flip flops!

Unfortunately, Montana was so incredibly awesome that Idaho somewhat failed to live up to in comparison. McCall was cool as shit, and Crusty's pizza is some of the best I've eaten. We met a super swell doood named Chris that let us camp on his property and became the apple of Jonathan's eye. They had a full on bromance the couple of days we were in town.

Welp, It's almost gig time & time for me to mosey downstairs. I'd like to wrap it up more eloquently but I'm partially 'tarted and forcing myself to finish this. We have a morning off tomorrow and a (hopefully) late check out time. Perhaps I can knock out a couple of posts in 24 hours.

Araua'e

Forgive me if my grammar is terrible and there are mispellings (that was intentional), I'm posting this without proof reading. My grammar is awful anyway, so that doesn't really bother me. Mispellings do, somewhat. Unless I'm using the word mispellings, I really like to mispppppelll that one. Mississipppppii....

Take me to tha candy shop

Hola compadres,

Bringing you another update from the road sponsored by the kind folks at The Congress, inc.



Rewind

As the fog slowly departs from my brain, I seem to recall a conversation with Lisa -- owner of The Raven and all around swell cook, host, businesswoman, direction giver, cool things purveyor, and US/Thailand music ambassador. You see, Lisa has this crazy idea that The Congress will go over extremely well in Thailand, a country in which she has traveled in extensively. Normally, I would call B.S. because I don't trust these shady northwest types -- with all of their goodwill, smiling faces, and generosity, however, she makes some of the best damn Pad Thai I've ever eaten at the hands of a white woman -- or a Thai native for that matter. Maybe there is something to this hair-brained idea of The Congress Thai Tour 2011...

Hmmm...
THAI TOUR
THAI TOUR
THAI TOUR
THAI TOUR
THAI TOUR
THAI TOUR
THAI TOUR
THAI TOUR
THAI TOUR
THAI TOUR

That's 10 times. Say it fast, say it again and go get me some chopsticks and cock sauce!



There are also very discreet, very private top-level, highly classified, "I kill your parakeet" if I told you conversations going on about a possible festival appearance in T&T sometime in 2011.


By my estimate, in 2011, The Congress will be performing in Thailand, Trinidad and Tobago, at Bonnaroo, Wakarusa, Bumbershoot, Cochella, Mile High Music Fest, Red Rocks, Comfort Dental Amphitheater, The Dentists Office, and a private concert for Tim Tebow, Jesus (for the tacos!), and Mohandas Ali, a legendary pugilist committed to total nonviolence.

Until then, we hone our skills at The White Front Bar in
Philipsburg, Montana--

• Population: 930
• Percentage of rough & tumble types: 63%
  
• Percentage of rough & tumble types that wanted to kick our asses: 97%
  
• # of times a cowboy asked us to play a country tune after we already played one: 11.5
• # of times a cowboy stood on the bar and tried to full monty with a stetson: 1
  
• # of times a cowboy ran down the middle of the street with his birthday suit: 1
  
• # of hours I spent in the best candy shop in the world: 1.3
  
• Total weight of taffyjellybellysourjellygrapegummyonepeiceofchocolatejustcuzcandybag: .94lbs
  
• Percentage of bag eaten within the first 15 minutes: 47%
  
• Number of teeth bartender at The Station had: >15
• Number of teeth that were not black: .87 (it was chipped)
  
• Amount of feet an individual can walk out of the bar, drink in hand: Infinity
  
• Coolness factor: Infinity * 1.21 jigawatts to the power of Kenny Powers

Damn... I'm getting distracted. I'm sorry about this but I can't keep from providing a running commentary on the disgusting nature of the American population at the budget chain hotel continental buffet breakfast. I'm currently at The AmericInn (or something of that nature) in Boise, Idaho. By all accounts, It's been a very plesant hotel stay. There is a 24hr pool and hot tube, a pretty nice fitness center, even freshly baked cookies given to us at check in. I woke up very early this morning (7:30am -- in rock & roll time, I should have been going to bed!) for a few reasons. One, I'm not going to lie, I was looking forward to the free breakfast. Two, I desperately wanted some coffee and water and juice. I like the hotel juice machines. In fact, I like the word juice. Juice. Wasn't there a movie called Juice?

Man, I've got BlogDD. Anyway, I despise being around a free buffet with hordes of people who hoard the food, like the guy with the Banzi Pipeline shirt over to my right. He's probably in his mid 20's, not overweight, not really fit. Just kinda taking space. Well, as I look at the meager provisions he's hunted and gathered for himself, I notice that he's probably going to throw away more food.... Oh, shit! NO! He's now picking up his waffle carcass and taking it back to his den to feed the cubs.... Ahhhhhhh!!!!!

This is what I've seen on his plate this morning, and I'm certainly not embellishing, at all.

7-8 pieces of link sausage
full size waffle. butter and syrup
full bagel, both sides covered with cream cheese and butter
half a plate of scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese
1/4 plate of potatoes
1/4 plate of potatoes and ketchup
fruit bowl (nutritious!)
cup of yogurt
2 cups of orange juice
1 cup of coffee
doughnut
hind quarter of recently killed deer.

By my estimate, he's been eating for 30-45 minutes straight. I think his sweat is going to smell like musk of continental breakfast. I'd hate to be stuck in close quarters with this guy as the family heads to experience the great outdoors of yellowstone national park from the car.

I digress.


So, yeah. Philipsburg, Montana. Crazy gig. Fun. Gwen is the name of the bartender and she is a P-Berg legend. In fact, I learned that when Gwen works Wednesday nights at The White Front, they are expertly referred to as "Gwednesdays". She made us a "white trash cooler." Basically a cardboard box lined with a trash bag that was filled with multiple choices of beer. You see, Gwen didn't want us to wait til set break to refresh ourselves. She thought it was a good idea to give us a box of beer right on stage. I thought it was a good idea too. I think she gave us a bunch of shots, though I'm not really sure if that's the case or not. I will neither accept or deny responsibility for anything that happened in P-Berg. I definitely got "Gwendilized"

I do remember that The Congress improvised a 4-5 song medely of D'Angelo tunes. One day, perhaps when we are almost famous, people will care about our set lists and want to post them online. Until then, it's my job.

The Congress's D'Angelo Set:

Spanish Joint -->
How Does It Feel? -->
Brown Sugar
Spanish Joint -->
D'Angelo type "laid back groove" with implied clap track and made up kinda of singing lyrics.

I used the arrows to demonstrate continuation throughout the songs. I think that's the proper set list shorthand.

We finished up our gig at The White Front and headed to Gwen's house for the after party, or what her children commonly refer to as "dinner". Hearty meat based red sauce skillfully seasoned with onion, garlic, herbs, and love. Add some slightly soggy rotini noodles and voila!

I seem to recall that she threw some freshly caught shrimp on the fire at 4am. At that point, I retreated to my room, I mean camper, to dream of Indian warrior princesses.




Lodging at Casa De Gwen



Wow, I did not intend to spend that much time on P-Berg. I guess it was that much fun. I think I'm going to make this entry a two parter -- A sequel is in the works to "Take Me To Tha Candy Shop". However, productions delays, budgetary concerns, and actor/director infighting have led the studio to shut down the project. So, NO SEQUEL FOR YOU!

Next, The Congress gets to shoot guns, ride motorcycles and horses, lasso bulls and eat beef.



Margaash uulzaya

The Congress Northwest Tour 2010

After a nice 6 week return to Denver in which I:

• Played 26 times in June
  
• Slept in a Wal Mart parking lot 2x
  
• Continued to sleep in a park the next morning 2x
  
• Spent a week and a half in bliss, house sitting for a friend in Evergreen
  
• Lost 8 hours of my life at The Glendale Ballet with good friends Gizz and Stern
  
• DID THIS:

(for those of you not on the creepbook or friends with Mike Maurer, you may not be able to enjoy the goodness)

I reconvened with the fellas from The Congress as we are currently embarking on another lengthy tour. This time, we added a week, got rid of the humidity, added some mountains & elk & mooses & jackalopes:





















Apparently, jackalopes are the state animal of Wyoming -- at least, according to Dwight, The Congress's low end theory. You see, Dwight might just be one of Cody, Wyoming's most famous exports, demonstrated by the fact that his return home was documented in the well circulated Cody Enterprise:


In the interview, which featured Dwight -- and only Dwight, this quote was attributed to him:

"That's something you can't put a label on ... I suppose you could call it the spiritual result of a ridiculous serendipity."

Hmmm... Interesting. Let's find some other Dwight quotes... (these are published)

-- "I'd rather have a day job than play music for some audience full of drunken assholes."
-- "I was fed up with music. I was pissed off at people"
-- "The audience that comes out to listen to this type of music is actually a quality audience"
-- "They give a shit when they're there listening."

Okay, okay... I took some editorial liberties with the quotes but I think those respective statements sum up our friend Dwight "You'd never want me to be President of The United States, and this is why:" Thompson.

I would give you some unpublished quotes from Dwight but those are completely inappropriate and certifiably insane.

Regardless of the mental health of the best bass player I've had the pleasure of playing with for an extended amount of time, he's a real teddy bear who has a huge heart and a admirable standard for cleanliness and cigarettes.




After a great gig in Cody, we headed to Billings, MT for a show at The Yellowstone Brewery. It was an afternoon show on a Saturday -- that generally sets off some warning sirens for the band, as in, uh, there ain't gonna be shit for people there. PLUS, there was a $5 cover charge for a SATURDAY AFTERNOON SHOW. Damn, this is going to suck! Who in their right mind is going to come see a band that has never been to Billings, play inside, from 4-8 pm? Uh, about 70 people. The reason?

Scott Lane's own damn poster

Billings treated us well and we can't wait to get back. We had no place to stay after the Billings show but as we've come to find out, Montana is an incredible place full of amazing people who bend over backwards to welcome us into their lives. Primarily, Randy, our sound engineer for the brewery show who invited us to his home, provided us with beds, chex mix and eggs with chicken-apple sausage.

Day #3, Livingston, MT. Murray bar. Great pizza, nice bartenders, but we got shut down by complaints from the adjacent hotel and the police. Not our fault, really -- I think it was a little unexpected to have a Rock band on a Sunday night. We gladly finished out the evening "acoustified" and played a bunch of covers to a sparse but attentive crowd. At one point, Jonathan ran full speed down a hotel hallway to escape from the crazy port wine drinkers. That's about all I have.



Day #4&5, Bigfork, MT. Flathead Lake. THE RAVEN:

Margarita Monday's. "Shots shot shot shot sha Shots!"

Uh, yeah. Bigfork is one of the most spectacular places I've ever been. The Raven seemingly liked us and invited us back for a second night on Tuesday -- meaning we had an extra night of room & board at one of the most spectacular places I've ever been. We played in the lake, we drank beers looking at the lake, we tried to do business deals with ice-cream cones in our hands. We ate "meatloaf burgers" made with locally raised yak, and we sold like 20 some CD's over the course of two nights and we found out that one of our dancing folk lost her American Apparel head band and cried endlessly over the loss of her modern-retro fashion accessory. Shots shots shot shot shot sha Shots Shots...

Up next:

Keep Missoula Weird
Gwednesday's
Bauer Ranch

Tot Ziens