My tour is cooler than yours!

I think I have some masochistic part of me that enjoys waiting a month to write about some lame experience I/we/The Congress had, uh, a month ago. The fun part is filling the blanks with complete BS to provide some sort of comic relief to the losers (yes YOU!) who actually waste their time reading my blog.

Not BS:

Google The Congress. We're #2. That's pretty awesome.

BS:

The Denver scene LOVES The Congress

Not BS:

We will be playing a super awesome show on September 11th at The Walnut Room with a great new band called The David James Band

BS: We will be covering Weezers "The Blue Album" on Halloween.

Well, this little exercise of what's BS or not has bored me to tears. It was neither funny nor satisfying. Time for pictures:

Parachute surfin, Hood River, OR

Look very closely at the license plate...

Portland Bridge

Random lake, somewhere around middle Oregon, where we came very close to running out of gas

Pointy mountain, around the same area of middle Oregon.

Middle Oregon was pretty cool, well, except for Medford. That was awful. Everyone we came in contact with in Oregon - from Portland to Bend warned us about Medford. "Go to Ashland" they said. Well, it's not that easy Mr. black rimmed glasses wearin, ironic moustache (I like spelling it that way), knit cap in the middle of summer rockin, skinny jeans-balls crampin, thrift store wardrobe havin Portland hipster guy. Shhheeesh.

Bend was fun. We met some weird people who spoke passionately of cities needing to build better relationships amongst each other. You know, like giving gifts, or exchanging cultural ideas. Said weirdo used, as an example, the two cities from The Simpsons that are always fighting with each other. He seemed to have a very real problem with this and was trying to figure out a solution -- all while apparently completely whacked out on psychedelics. At one point, this fella raised beer for a toast, "Cheers to giraffe tongues!"


Sidebar: Okay, I'm not much of a Simpsons watcher. I just had to do a google search for "the simpsons cities" to attempt to find out the adjacent city that Springfield is always feuding with. No luck on my first attempt. However, I did find that there is a wikipedia page about "the fictional town of Springfield." Within this wiki entry, I discovered that somebody has actually taken the time to describe the Geography, climate, and environment... OF A FICTIONAL CITY:

Geography, climate, and environment

Springfield's geography is varied, including forests, meadows, mountain ranges, a desert, a gorge, a glacier, beaches, badlands, canyons, swamps, a harbor, waterholes, and waterways. Major named geographical features include Springfield Gorge, Springfield National Forest, the volcanic Mt. Springfield, the West Springfield desert ("three times the size of Texas!"),^[11] the Springfield Badlands (also known as the Alkali Flats),^[12] the gigantic Murderhorn mountain, Springfield Glacier, Mt. Useful National Park, Springfield Mesa, and Springfield National Park.

The town's skies are usually blue and sunny. It has been subject to many natural disasters, however, including heat waves, blizzards, avalanches, earthquakes, acid rain, floods, hurricanes, lightning strikes, tornadoes, volcanic eruptions, and a comet impact.

Springfield's environment is unusually polluted. Overflowing garbage forced the whole city—both population and structures—to move five miles (8 km) away from the massive dump that the old town had become.^[13] Springfield is home to the state's largest self-sustaining tire fire, which has been burning continuously for decades.^[14] Lake Springfield's pollution almost led to the city's destruction by an Environmental Protection Agency bomb,^[15] and pollution from the nuclear power plant has mutated the fish in the river.

The Bendonites also had a trampoline:

And a painting of Bob Ross that I will not soon forget:

On the way from Bend to Me***rd, we camped at a sweet spot called Diamond Lake.

Witness:

I wish I had video of us trying to cook hamburgers over that fire... on that grate... Fire 2.5 burgers, The Congress 1.5 Burgers and a grilled cheeze.

Post middle Oregon, we headed south to Top of California. Top of California is a very magical and cosmic place. The trees grow tall and spooky layer of misty clouds makes for a visually satisfying crunch that is only matched by eating a french onion Sun Chip and crinkling the new compostable bag simultaneously.

Sun Chip Crunchy Trees

P.L.A.D.*

Rockness Monster

Northwest Top of California, particularly the counties known as Humboldt and Mendocino is know for agriculture. They have a lot of it. It's generally green and smells good. People give it away like it's going out of style, which, according to various laws that are being passed all over this county -- it won't be going out of style anytime soon. Snoop Dog and Dr. Dre preached about this agriculture way back in tha day. Yours truly skipped Algebra class my junior year of high-school to pick up the much anticipated agricultural bible, Dr. Dre's "The Chronic" It's about chronic growth of fresh peaches and apples and salad mix in the fields of Compton. It's also about killin n*****

Continuing along our southerly route to upper-middle-top of western coastal California, we happened along the ultra-conservative enclaves of San Francisco and Berkley. I'll call it Berklacisco from now on.

We found out that you can do anything that you desire in Berklacisco. Anything.

Like party with Rock Stars:

4th from the left (in yellow P.L.A.D by the way) is Rock Star Daniel Clarke

The long-hair with k.d. Lang

The short-hair with The Chrongress. He's much better looking in our band

After a few extensive meetings, The Congress decided that we would allow Mr. Clarke to tickle the keys for us -- only after tickling me until I cried + a warm, long embrace. Daniel joined us for our shows in Berkley (with Great American Taxi) and San Fran at a cool joint called The Boom Boom Room which was opened by blues legend, John Lee Hooker. Both shows were wildly successful for our first time in Berklacisco, culminating with a chance meeting with a gentleman named Dennis Cook who is an editor for jambase.com. Mr. Cook published a nice article about the band that you can see here.

Prior to bidding adieu to Berklacisco, we all gathered for a great breakfast of dungeness crab cake benedict and zucchini fries at a place called The Fat Lady in Oakland. Once again, Dwight reminded us why he shall never be trusted with sharp objects...

I think my favorite part of this is the green bush in front of the house

4 DAYS OFF IN TAHOE!!!


P.L.A.D. Camouflage

That's it for me. I'm tired of this post. We have a couple of days in Tahoe and a drive back home to discuss. Add a few almost-all night gambling binges and I'll have a one last post coming soon to wrap up our 2010 northwest tour. I'm motivated to get this done because we'll be heading back to the southeast in a little less than a month and I'll have all sorts of new picture words for my upcoming TV stories to share with the tens of people who read this blog.

Stay tuned as I'll be announcing our tour dates for October...

Pirkano paye yan

McCall, IDaho --> PDX. I'm leaving out Boise on purpose...

A couple of posts in 24 hrs? Yeah, right. I've realized that I am unable to do the blogging thing unless I have a good night of sleep and an early morning caffeine buzz or an hour or so before gig time with a nice beer/wine buzz. The morning thing works because I am definitely a morning person -- notwithstanding my chosen profession. I think the night thing works as some sort of calming meditation for me before I play. If I have a little down time prior to the performance, I dig writing as a way to distract myself from anxiety and boredom. But enough about me and my stupid routine.

Let's talk about BITCHES!

Payette Lake, McCall Idaho

As I said in the prior post, McCall was the coolest thing about Idaho. We played on a Sunday evening at Crusty's Pizza, a casual joint that served up some stellar pies. The place is owned by a nice Crusty named Vern. He's a restaurant vet from the Nederland/Boulder area who took his considerable culinary skills to McCall about 10 years ago to start his kick ass little place. As I'm starting to find out the more & more we get around the country, many of these restaurant owners that we play for are either former or frustrated musicians. Music & food seemingly go hand in hand. Culturally speaking, I guess this is a simple thing to understand. People have been gathering for food-music-dance, well, since people have been gathering. I've maintained for a while now that if I get burned out with music at any point, I'll probably pursue a path in the culinary arts. However, the way things are working out on our tour, I'm hoping that's a loooong way off.

To be quite honest, as of right now, it's August 11th. I'm trying to write about a show we had in Idaho on July 25th. Time has been flying and no matter what you may think about "life on the road", this can be very hard work and extremely tiring. The easiest part of my day is when I'm on the stage, playing a 3 hour set. What most people don't realize -- what I didn't exactly realize is that leading up to a gig on the road, there are innumerable variables that factor into your day and how easy or difficult it can be; Such as:

Waking up.

Yep, that's probably the toughest. Actually, it's not for me as my body likes to jolt awake anywhere from 4-6 hours after I've gone to sleep. For example, If I finally get to lay down at 3:34 am, inevitably, I will wake up at 7:34 am. Silly, right? All of you lucky folks out there than can easily sleep til noon, don't take that for granted. This waking up early thing is a curse, particularly when I am keeping the "late to bed, early to rise" schedule for 4 or 5 or 9 days in a row. However, it leads to the second most difficult thing on tour:

Being the a-hole that wakes the rest of the band up.

That one reason alone is why bands that can afford to have a crew with them hire a tour manager, or, the a-hole that wakes the band up and keeps us on schedule. I have somehow taken on this role and I don't really cherish it.

The third most difficult thing on tour:

Choosing between a burger, a burger with bacon, a burger with a fried egg (oooooohhh, fancy!), or the special house burger that generally consists of the same unique ingredients from town to town. Somehow, this incredibly unique one-of-a-kind hamburger has one common element. It's got the exact same name from city to city, except it's different. On this tour:

Cody Burger
Billings Burger
Livingston Burger
Big Fork Burger (no fork but it was made with Yak)
Missoula Buger
Philipsburger (Meth! Not even once!)
Bauer Ranch Burger (the best on tour)
Jackson HotBurger, served naked
Twin Forks Burger
McCall Burger
Boise Burger w/fries
Portland(emo)Burger
Bendburger
Medford (Oh, sorry, we didn't remember you were coming to play tonight, maybe we can get a metal band to open for you guys) Burger
NorthernCali SuperKindHeadySourDesilGrapePurpleurpleStarlightGPSLadyisbuggingme Burger
Berkley Freak Flag Burger
San Francisco Treat Burger w/special sauce
Tahoe Burger. North side or South side?
Elko Burger
Park City Burger
or....

A home-sweet-home Cherry Cricket Burger


Sorry if the photos are kind of lacking this time around. I've been taking pics but my camera is in Scott's car. He and the crew are currently at Lake Tahoe, swimming in crystal clear green/blue water as I sit in the dark, listening to the golf channel, drinking a glass of wine out of my $5.49 bottle of Pinot Noir that I bought at 7-11. Oh, I had some Taco Bell about an hour and a half ago, completely wiping out all the wonderful fresh food I had at my Mom's house during a very relaxing stay in Napa Valley. I'm a glutton for punishment, I suppose, however, nobody can ever accuse me of lacking class.

Seeing that I've managed to sidestep about 40% of our tour in this entry, I'll simply continue to ignore most of Idaho, all of Oregon and California in future entries. To those concerned, those stops simply didn't happen. To those unconcerned, send me a private email and I'll respond with a picture of my middle finger flipping you off, in code:

00111 0101 0011 11100 0101011100 010 11100 10101 0000111010 0101010 1010 10FU

I'm considering walking across the room to watch pre-season football. Maybe I should hop in the shower and clean up before my first gig in 5 days(!)

Viagra commercials are funny.

Oh, wanted to let everyone know that The Congress will be at The Walnut Room on September 11th, 2010. The show will mark about a year of our band being together. I looked at my calendar today in which I log every gig that I've done. I calculated that The Congress has done around 100 shows in the year we've been in existence . Around 60 in the Denver metro/front range/Colorado area and almost 40 around the nation. AND... we've almost sold 1,000 CD's!

What a year!

Thanks to everyone for the continuing support and for checking out the blog. Couldn't do it without you, even though I'd prefer it that way.

Oh, one last thing. AT&T can suck it. After driving from coast to coast in 2010, I've found that my freaking phone works less than half the time around the country. Forget "coverage maps", that's a bunch of BS. Jonathan is rolling with a Droid on Verizon he gets full 3G service where the iPhone don't work a lick. Just sayin...

Live Long and Perspire

Farewell, Montana -- it's been nice gettin to know ya...

Bauer Ranch Crew

Well, well, well... I know my new favorite state in this beautiful country -- MONTANA! (I used all caps and the exclamation point for effect). Montana is a big state with a so called big sky. Montana has ranches, cattle, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, guns, trucks with guns, stuffed animals fearing guns, stuffed cowboys holding guns fearing animals, hippies with guns, farmers with guns, cooks with guns (preparing the stuffed animals fearing guns), cyclists, mountains, streams, rivers, trees, lakes, and wide open roads. It stays light very late at night and gets up very early in the morning. In July, Montana seduces the mind; August she beguiles the body. However, I hear that September through June she can be a cold hard bitch -- one who welcomes cold, snow and darkness to the unrelenting vistas that envelop the senses.

Speaking of drugs:

I believe Montana is where we encountered our new favorite slogan, "Meth: Not Even Once!"

I think it has something to do with cataracts in jungle animals, but I'm not positive.

After getting a well deserved night of sleep at Gwen's eclectic house of elastic-elaborate-endorphin-excellence, The Congress headed to Bauer Ranch to take part in a intensive training session with agent Jack Bauer (aka: Ryan Chrys)

Ryan Chrys as I know him in Denver:


Ryan Chrys as I got to know him in Montana:


Ryan, I've learned, is an enigma. You see, I've come across Ryan and his band Demon Funkies multiple times in and around Denver. I've shared stages with him and consumed beers with him. I've even seen him walk outside a venue, cross 16th street mall, jump atop a 5ft column and furiously shred guitar in time, whilst head banging and summoning the gods IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. I used to think Ryan was a badass -- until The Congress was invited to his ranch in Montana.

Damn

I've spoken to Ryan on the phone a few times on occasion and found him to be a man of few words. Perhaps it was chemical induced? Perhaps it was the fact I auditioned for his band and failed miserably? Perhaps dude just don't like me? Nahhh. He's the real deal Marlboro man, folks (although I don't think he smokes). Apparently, he is equally at home using trampolines to launch himself into the air on stage as he is saddling and mounting a horse -- or jumping on a motorcycle -- or changing a tire on farm equipment -- or showing us leftists tree huggers how to shoot guns (just me) -- or cooking us some of the best hamburgers I've ever tasted, where, Amazingly, the burgers were from cows just happened to be grass fed and farm raised; ON HIS FARM! What a freaking treat! That was some serious City Slickers shit. I had a dream that Jack Palance told me the key to life.

METH: Not Even Once!

I could go on and on talking about how awesome our ranch stay in Montana was. Thankfully, I'm going to pass. You see, I'm having a very hard time manufacturing words in the brain and a harder time relaying the message to my fingers. Stupid fingers. Stupid brain. I wish I had a glutinous continental breakfast crowd to make fun of. Sigh...

Photo Essay!

I very much like this picture

The Congress hunting siwey wabbits

Demon Congress????

The Congress's ranch visit came to an end as we had to departed toward Jackson for a very difficult and trying gig at a hot springs resort in rural Montana. I'm not quite sure who could have possibly thought that we needed to book a show at an amazing lodge/hot springs/restaurant but they need to be fired ASAP. What business do 4 musicians have goofing off at a ranch followed by a relaxing stop at Jackson Hot Springs? None. Our life sucks. Believe me you, you want no part of this taxing and fatiguing lifestyle, so just stay away. If you have a question for the author about how to make this work, I'll simply reply: "No Comment" In fact, try not to look me in the eye when your lucky enough to be in my presence. If you happen to do so, I'll have to mount my steed and challenge you to a dual, which I will win. I'm a drummer, I'm used to stabbing people with blunt instruments.

I'll even stab you wearing flip flops!

Unfortunately, Montana was so incredibly awesome that Idaho somewhat failed to live up to in comparison. McCall was cool as shit, and Crusty's pizza is some of the best I've eaten. We met a super swell doood named Chris that let us camp on his property and became the apple of Jonathan's eye. They had a full on bromance the couple of days we were in town.

Welp, It's almost gig time & time for me to mosey downstairs. I'd like to wrap it up more eloquently but I'm partially 'tarted and forcing myself to finish this. We have a morning off tomorrow and a (hopefully) late check out time. Perhaps I can knock out a couple of posts in 24 hours.

Araua'e

Forgive me if my grammar is terrible and there are mispellings (that was intentional), I'm posting this without proof reading. My grammar is awful anyway, so that doesn't really bother me. Mispellings do, somewhat. Unless I'm using the word mispellings, I really like to mispppppelll that one. Mississipppppii....

Kenny Powers Training Video

Take me to tha candy shop

Hola compadres,

Bringing you another update from the road sponsored by the kind folks at The Congress, inc.



Rewind

As the fog slowly departs from my brain, I seem to recall a conversation with Lisa -- owner of The Raven and all around swell cook, host, businesswoman, direction giver, cool things purveyor, and US/Thailand music ambassador. You see, Lisa has this crazy idea that The Congress will go over extremely well in Thailand, a country in which she has traveled in extensively. Normally, I would call B.S. because I don't trust these shady northwest types -- with all of their goodwill, smiling faces, and generosity, however, she makes some of the best damn Pad Thai I've ever eaten at the hands of a white woman -- or a Thai native for that matter. Maybe there is something to this hair-brained idea of The Congress Thai Tour 2011...

Hmmm...
THAI TOUR
THAI TOUR
THAI TOUR
THAI TOUR
THAI TOUR
THAI TOUR
THAI TOUR
THAI TOUR
THAI TOUR
THAI TOUR

That's 10 times. Say it fast, say it again and go get me some chopsticks and cock sauce!



There are also very discreet, very private top-level, highly classified, "I kill your parakeet" if I told you conversations going on about a possible festival appearance in T&T sometime in 2011.


By my estimate, in 2011, The Congress will be performing in Thailand, Trinidad and Tobago, at Bonnaroo, Wakarusa, Bumbershoot, Cochella, Mile High Music Fest, Red Rocks, Comfort Dental Amphitheater, The Dentists Office, and a private concert for Tim Tebow, Jesus (for the tacos!), and Mohandas Ali, a legendary pugilist committed to total nonviolence.

Until then, we hone our skills at The White Front Bar in
Philipsburg, Montana--

• Population: 930
• Percentage of rough & tumble types: 63%
  
• Percentage of rough & tumble types that wanted to kick our asses: 97%
  
• # of times a cowboy asked us to play a country tune after we already played one: 11.5
• # of times a cowboy stood on the bar and tried to full monty with a stetson: 1
  
• # of times a cowboy ran down the middle of the street with his birthday suit: 1
  
• # of hours I spent in the best candy shop in the world: 1.3
  
• Total weight of taffyjellybellysourjellygrapegummyonepeiceofchocolatejustcuzcandybag: .94lbs
  
• Percentage of bag eaten within the first 15 minutes: 47%
  
• Number of teeth bartender at The Station had: >15
• Number of teeth that were not black: .87 (it was chipped)
  
• Amount of feet an individual can walk out of the bar, drink in hand: Infinity
  
• Coolness factor: Infinity * 1.21 jigawatts to the power of Kenny Powers

Damn... I'm getting distracted. I'm sorry about this but I can't keep from providing a running commentary on the disgusting nature of the American population at the budget chain hotel continental buffet breakfast. I'm currently at The AmericInn (or something of that nature) in Boise, Idaho. By all accounts, It's been a very plesant hotel stay. There is a 24hr pool and hot tube, a pretty nice fitness center, even freshly baked cookies given to us at check in. I woke up very early this morning (7:30am -- in rock & roll time, I should have been going to bed!) for a few reasons. One, I'm not going to lie, I was looking forward to the free breakfast. Two, I desperately wanted some coffee and water and juice. I like the hotel juice machines. In fact, I like the word juice. Juice. Wasn't there a movie called Juice?

Man, I've got BlogDD. Anyway, I despise being around a free buffet with hordes of people who hoard the food, like the guy with the Banzi Pipeline shirt over to my right. He's probably in his mid 20's, not overweight, not really fit. Just kinda taking space. Well, as I look at the meager provisions he's hunted and gathered for himself, I notice that he's probably going to throw away more food.... Oh, shit! NO! He's now picking up his waffle carcass and taking it back to his den to feed the cubs.... Ahhhhhhh!!!!!

This is what I've seen on his plate this morning, and I'm certainly not embellishing, at all.

7-8 pieces of link sausage
full size waffle. butter and syrup
full bagel, both sides covered with cream cheese and butter
half a plate of scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese
1/4 plate of potatoes
1/4 plate of potatoes and ketchup
fruit bowl (nutritious!)
cup of yogurt
2 cups of orange juice
1 cup of coffee
doughnut
hind quarter of recently killed deer.

By my estimate, he's been eating for 30-45 minutes straight. I think his sweat is going to smell like musk of continental breakfast. I'd hate to be stuck in close quarters with this guy as the family heads to experience the great outdoors of yellowstone national park from the car.

I digress.


So, yeah. Philipsburg, Montana. Crazy gig. Fun. Gwen is the name of the bartender and she is a P-Berg legend. In fact, I learned that when Gwen works Wednesday nights at The White Front, they are expertly referred to as "Gwednesdays". She made us a "white trash cooler." Basically a cardboard box lined with a trash bag that was filled with multiple choices of beer. You see, Gwen didn't want us to wait til set break to refresh ourselves. She thought it was a good idea to give us a box of beer right on stage. I thought it was a good idea too. I think she gave us a bunch of shots, though I'm not really sure if that's the case or not. I will neither accept or deny responsibility for anything that happened in P-Berg. I definitely got "Gwendilized"

I do remember that The Congress improvised a 4-5 song medely of D'Angelo tunes. One day, perhaps when we are almost famous, people will care about our set lists and want to post them online. Until then, it's my job.

The Congress's D'Angelo Set:

Spanish Joint -->
How Does It Feel? -->
Brown Sugar
Spanish Joint -->
D'Angelo type "laid back groove" with implied clap track and made up kinda of singing lyrics.

I used the arrows to demonstrate continuation throughout the songs. I think that's the proper set list shorthand.

We finished up our gig at The White Front and headed to Gwen's house for the after party, or what her children commonly refer to as "dinner". Hearty meat based red sauce skillfully seasoned with onion, garlic, herbs, and love. Add some slightly soggy rotini noodles and voila!

I seem to recall that she threw some freshly caught shrimp on the fire at 4am. At that point, I retreated to my room, I mean camper, to dream of Indian warrior princesses.




Lodging at Casa De Gwen



Wow, I did not intend to spend that much time on P-Berg. I guess it was that much fun. I think I'm going to make this entry a two parter -- A sequel is in the works to "Take Me To Tha Candy Shop". However, productions delays, budgetary concerns, and actor/director infighting have led the studio to shut down the project. So, NO SEQUEL FOR YOU!

Next, The Congress gets to shoot guns, ride motorcycles and horses, lasso bulls and eat beef.



Margaash uulzaya